Who’s Next?

Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg resigns as Germany’s defense minister, regrets heeding career advice from Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky

Helen Pidd of the Guardian writes that the now ex-minister was widely tipped as a future chancellor, but I can’t imagine who was doing the tipping. Bavarians don’t get elected chancellor in Germany: a career at the federal level in Berlin (and previously in Bonn ) takes them too far away from the maneuvering needed to put or keep them atop the CSU, while a stint as Minister-President of Bavaria takes them too far away from Germany’s mainstream to get elected chancellor.

This entry was posted in A Fistful Of Euros, Germany, Governments and parties, Political issues by Doug Merrill. Bookmark the permalink.

About Doug Merrill

Freelance journalist based in Tbilisi, following stints in Atlanta, Budapest, Munich, Warsaw and Washington. Worked for a German think tank, discovered it was incompatible with repaying US student loans. Spent two years in financial markets. Bicycled from Vilnius to Tallinn. Climbed highest mountains in two Alpine countries (the easy ones, though). American center-left, with strong yellow dog tendencies. Arrived in the Caucasus two weeks before its latest war.

11 thoughts on “Who’s Next?

  1. He wasn’t expected to be elected. He was expected to take over, if too many lost state elections forced Merkel’s resignation.

  2. When’s the last time the loss of too many state elections forced a German chancellor to resign?

  3. The fictitious Lobachevsky, of course. The real Lobachevsky was a fine mathematician, and no plagiarist.

  4. Thanks for the reminder, Molnar; I never thought otherwise about the real one. Now noted in the mouseover to the link.

  5. When’s the last time the loss of too many state elections forced a German chancellor to resign?

    I guess that is rhetorical, but effectively the answer would be 2005 Gerhard Schröder, who instead of simply resigning chose to take his party down with him.

  6. “Bavarians don’t get elected chancellor in Germany”

    What about Ludwig Erhard?
    He was Bavarian and he was chancellor.

  7. Erhard wasn’t a CSU member. And Erhard is the best example that you can get forced out after losing some state elections.

  8. And, of course, there’s the example of Schröder’s opponent in the 2002 general election, Edmund Stoiber, who would have been chancellor if only he had gotten 2 more seats in the Bundestag.

  9. Investigative Journalism! I am blowing the whistle and put the dots together on the worldwide espionage at universities by an American Shadow Company. This eBook will cause upheavals of staggering proportions in the classrooms and laboratories of universities. It penetrates the criminal minds of the ruthless Paterson clan, who took over a benighted university supplier by out-maneuvering former stockholders and then turned that company into a globally operating intelligence empire – and into a graveyard for academic freedom. In a fantastic 1950s symbiosis, the gruesome twosome of Paterson Inc. and C.I.A. married to bring home what America historically lacked – scholarship. During the sixty+ years aftermath of World War II, the Paterson Inc. espionage vehicle accomplished its unilateral mission – the permanent and worldwide skimming of university research!

    The Chief’s Own Private C.I.A.! After the hostile takeover of Paterson Inc., the entrepreneurial Paterson clan transformed the university supplier into a global business and spying organization. Greed, hatred, imperialism and nationalism were the forces that swept ‘Daddy‘ Paterson and later his son, the Chief, into the clandestine arms of the C.I.A.! These interviews with the Chief will plunge You, the reader, into the murk of the abnormal psychology and mind boggling career of W. B. Paterson from whisky besotted taxi driver to Chief-of-university-spies!

    ‘Deep Throat’ Imitator or Blithering Idiot? The Chief, with a Caligula-like indulgence, sent more whisky gurgling down his throat, smacked his boar-lips, opened his mouth for a long, loud burp – to the tune of the American anthem – and settled some old business with the learned: “University people are late-term abortions who crawl out of classrooms”. Taking this dehumanization as a license for spying on academicians, the jaw-dropping profanity from the Chief’s uncivil tongue is breath-taking not only in its anatomical crudeness. What’s more, the Chief is re-fertilizing the American language and that makes him one quotable fella, but unfortunately his juicy oral history is off the record. Walt Blair Paterson’s real name, his official job, his U.S.-whereabouts and the name of his exceptionally evil company were changed and rendered anonymous – to protect me, Your Citizen Journalist, for legal reasons!

    Academic World Community fattened wrong Pig! Chief Paterson is the inheritor of American multi-billion dollar conglomerate Paterson Inc., a globally operating university supplier which doubles as a C.I.A. spy contractor! Chief thief Paterson, using Cold War-era spy tactics, has the command over a hidden espionage archipelago – populated with downright mean spies – stretching across the world from university to university. It’s scary, very scary, I said traumatized. “Shut up” the Chief explained!

    Exiting the Closet and Watching a Live Orgasm! Behavioral science teaches that small changes in a man’s sex-life can have large effects on keeping secrets. Turning his office into a creepy strip bar, unwashed – from snout to tail – Chief Paterson made a lightning quick transition from homoerotic closet-virgin to homosexual piggishness and behaved like an animal on steroids. Let‘s go for a visit to one of the Chief’s great moments – although You, the reader, may feel a little dirty afterwards. C’mon, have a look through the crack between the frame and his office door as the Chief works himself into a sweaty frenzy until he is red in the face, his thinning hair flailing, eyes blinking nervously; occasionally he is mopping sweat from his forehead. Bring It On! Frantically, frenzied, Heaven only knows how he finished it. With an unforgettable swinish groan the semi-naked Olympic wanker collapsed in spastic throes onto the sofa – and a repulsive odour drifted up from him. Eau de Chief! Like a defecating pig with a besotted belly, the semi-obese stinker [with a poor muscle-to-fat ratio] began smearing spilled seeds over his shaved pubic bristles – as if icing on a cake. Observing his small budget jelly-masterpiece and with the corners of his mouth sagging he stammered: ”I manage secret worldwide spying operations at universities and research centers”. The Chief-minister-of-propaganda didn’t understand what ‘secret’ means and so the C.I.A. code of silence was broken – in rich detail – by the practiced horizontal exhibitionist. He held his juice-less balls in one hand, coughed as if testing for hernia, tried to get his soggy undergarments back on and stumbled on his heels in circles. And that‘s the way I got to sit down with the Chief at his coming-out party. Thanks to all voyeurs peering in on the Chief‘s little vulgarity!

    Whenever I hear the Name ‘Paterson’ I reach for my Gun! With his pants at half-mast, Chief Paterson wobbled back and forward like a drunken tip-over doll, his jaws loosened by a bottle of whisky. “We are a covert operations contractor for the C.I.A.”. With a disgusting snort, the wham-bam-boozled C.I.A-Führer cleared his nose and throat simultaneously, laughed hysterically in shrieks and hit with his foot a garbage bin across the floor. ”We are kicking academic ass since five decades” he barked with a demagogy usually reserved for Adolf Hitler!

    Collateral Spying! In vicious violation of student and professor privacy, Paterson Inc. is giving the C.I.A. globally thousands and thousands of prying eyes and ears on intelligentsia‘s scientific studies and experiments. Paterson‘s goons also perform more personal screening techniques on You, which means you are strip-searched for biographic and biometric information like a criminal. The intrusive frisking by American contract spies involves soul-theft and surveillance of: Your home life, political activities, race, religion, fingerprints, friends, enemies or any failings, sexual preference, travels, bank accounts, pressing needs for money, computer communications, email contents, research activities/ objectives/ and results. These ghastly assaults on privacy and scientific competence entangle You with millions upon millions of innocents in a web of high stakes espionage. “The intelligence we collect flows into a sort of gigantic encyclopedic software in our computers” bragged the Chief. This is where Paterson’s spies pool their in-depth target dossiers. Millions of overseas scientists have the results of their scientific labor snatched away and the spy-harvest is transferred to U.S. humbug factories – I mean, American universities. Or, God forbid, the C.I.A. dispatches its drones or special operations teams to hunt for ‘high-level’ targets at universities. Chief-Judas didn’t kill anyone. Chief-Judas kills with his treachery!

    America‘s espionage at Universities; Organized asymmetrical Combat! The combination of intellectual and high-tech deficits is so dangerous for the U.S., it produces a real witch’s brew, in which America fights fiercely on an enormous scale with legions of trained, well financed contract spies, protected by armed private U.S. security guards – against disadvantaged, open-minded, unsuspecting academicians, scattered at universities around the earth. America‘s cul-de-sac intellectuals need academic emergency medicine, because America‘s annual high-tech trade deficits reached $61 billion in 2008. To predict the needed performance of U.S. science thieves at overseas universities, let‘s use a quantitative macroeconomic model. If Paterson‘s spies steal $1 worth of scientific results, let‘s say in Switzerland, it will produce $1.50 worth of high-tech manufacturing stimulus in America. To salvage its crippled advanced technology industry, the U.S. has to steal about $40.000.000.000,00 – You are right: $40 billion worth in high-tech/science from the rest of the world – every year! Paterson’s contract spies steal it one burglary at a time, at YOUR university laboratory or research center!

    Whistle-Blowing on vast Conspiracy! In order to stay in business, C.I.A. espionage troopers such as corrupt Paterson Inc. are NOT SUBJECT to America’s Freedom of Information Act! No freedom of information in the so-called ‘land of the free‘, because Americans have to check their freedom at America’s door. An obscure law allows the C.I.A. to block all congressional and public inquiries into the secret files, the budget, the number of cloak-and-dagger agents and the entire power structure of the Pater$on Shadow Company, a ‘valued asset’ for the C.I.A. and the recipient of a vast, dark stream of dollars from a cold blooded U.S. government with very special interests!

    Paterson’s University Supplies; Instruments of Betrayal! Wearing a trench coat and a cowboy hat, the Chief clenches the reckless long fingers of the world’s largest science thief. Paterson Inc. is stealing every original research-idea and scientific innovation it can find overseas – not to mention thousands of person-years invested. Like spit on academic values and a slap in the face of students and professors, the Paterson spy files are treated as private property by the Chief’s university supplier company. Both the C.I.A. and Paterson Inc. will uphold their secrecy claim over the Paterson Papers similar to the Pentagon Papers, which the U.S. government refuses to declassify. But an outraged academia is ready for answers amidst class cancellations forced by students worldwide to protest the presence of rotten Paterson Inc. on their campus! Are social websites Facebook, Twitter, YouTube going to give young and not-so-young academic protesters the connective muscle to chase U.S. spy Paterson Inc. and its private U.S. security guards off every university on earth? Get Involved!

    Betrayal worthy of Judas! That betrayal went so far that Americans were admired for their intelligence – or was it espionage, plain old theft of intellectual property, a.k.a. academic freeloading? America‘s seedy ‘exceptionalism‘ is a double standard for turning stolen ideas into borrowed academic glory at struggling U.S. hinterland universities, who add nothing to science. As a significant espionage personage, the Chief gets a tactical thrill from the collaborative madness between U.S. espionage and U.S. scientists. That kind of mobster cronyism between Paterson Inc. and Plagiarists is a perfect match-up with America’s un-democratic ideals – it‘s the new normal from beyond a banana republic. Scores (one third is my guess) of American university professors ‘Had to Know’ and are profiteering accomplices in this Ponzi scheme of science fraud. It is amazing in what Americans engage in. Shining my flashlight onto America‘s historical Sonderweg gives me nightmares! Since the burly men from beastly Paterson.cia tilted – inch by inch – the global academic playing field in favour of U.S. ’hocus-pocus-scientists’, and if this helps explain America’s unparalleled share of Nobel prizes during that curiously energetic U.S. ’research’ period over the past five decades, synchronized with Paterson’s university espionage history, then so be it!

    Putting the Dots together! It’s Morning in America with stunning images of urban decay. The alcoholic Chief – a reliable sources of income for whisky merchants – had just finished vomiting, suffered from a ferocious hang-over and felt a pathological need for homosexual intercourse. Working in the Chief‘s office was as if coming to a U.S. war-of-aggression zone where sexual degradation, torture and rape flourish. As the homosexually harassed male employee of perverted Chief Paterson I unlocked sinister secrets ripe for a journalistic tour de force. Unlike a Germanic spy on tiptoes, my recordkeeping was interrupted by the Chief’s disgusting demonstrations of affection or while his ungentlemanly hands fondled among my pink boxer-shorts!

    Hear no Spy, See no Spy, and Speak no Spy? This is the story of Walt Blair Paterson, whose fictional name has become shorthand for an American era of espionage, cowboy capitalism and deceit around the world. How should the University Enemy No. 1 be treated? Will vigilantes unapologetically identify and expose the predator ‘university supplier’, to which ‘Paterson Inc.’ lent its fictional imprint? Will investigative journalists expose more secret operations by Paterson Inc. and its perverse alcoholic blabbermouth Chief? Grab a torch – the clock is ticking! Will a targeted global boycott of Paterson’s products starve the beast into a low-calorie beggar? Is it time to show a little scissor steel and cut to pieces the Chief‘s commercial products? Will Paterson Inc. end up at the university supplier junkyard – sans Abwrackprämie [cash for clunkers]? Will justice be done and truth prevail, edged-on by this terrifically entertaining book? Nobody knows, but future answers will be absolutely right!

    Yours, Truly
    Dr. rer. nat. H. R. Goetting

    P.S.
    Befitting for a university supplier, Paterson Inc. acts as Censor! At the time the U.S. government called upon the U.S.-backed police state in Egypt to switch the Internet on again, I got the Mubarak [America‘s dictator in Egypt for 30 years] treatment from the Chief‘s censorship unit. Using their standard operating procedure, the Chief‘s high-tech sociopaths hacked into my universityspy.com blog – which was detailing the Chief‘s global espionage at universities – and riddled the website with malicious software. The Chief may be a son of a bitch, but he is America‘s son of a bitch!

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